Another Victim Escapes
SCRANTON STRANGLER
with Carpal Tunnel
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
A sixth victim has escaped the "Scranton Strangler," police announced Wednesday.
"He had really weak thumbs," said would-be murder victim Maureen Parker. "I managed to get away. He tried to follow, but couldn't keep up."
Parker was attacked behind the Drink-a-Lot Saloon, just two blocks from Gazette offices.
The so-called Scranton Strangler killed three victims originally, but has since dealt with a series of failures.
"He was squirrely and pathetic," said the last almost-stranglee Neil Porter. "I thought he was kidding around."
"At first, the Strangler was a priority," said Scranton Police Chief Wally Founder. "Now he's sort of just an annoyance."
While the police continue to investigate, the six victims with bruised trachea all appear to feel sorry for the man.
"When he attacked I screamed, 'No, please don't rape me,'" said Suzy Dunkin. "He stopped strangling me, sulked away and said, 'I couldn't if I wanted to.'"
Dunkin paused.
"I almost wanted to hug him."
CTS is a real affliction that causes pain, numbness and loss of dexterity in the hands of millions of people each year.
Still many individuals and employers don't take CTS seriously.
Friends and coworkers patronize me when I talk about it, then whisper that I'm whining to get attention.
My boss thinks its just an excuse to turn in stories late.
To make matters worse, my poor grip has restricted my favorite passtime...
um, golf.
Yeah, golf.
That's my favorite passtime.
Anyway, every night I go out to play golf but I can't keep a decent grip on their- on the golf club.
It's really frustrating.
Truth be told, I can't maintain an erection these days, either.
Blame that on high blood pressure and diabeties.
I haven't had successful sex with a woman in three-and-a-half years.
I can't even masterbate- my hand gets tired from CTS and arthritis.
So you can see how a guy might want to go out and blow off some steam squeezing the shit out of some fucking golf clubs!
Just to see the look on their face!
Oh, fuck it, man.
Life sucks.
CHARACTER
PROFILE:
The Scranton
Strangler
